>How to give a cat a pill...
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count
of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side
for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's fore
arm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place
cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of
last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash
pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly
while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to
see if they have any hamsters.
